Tucson Web Girl

Depressed

tucsonwebgirl — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 01:43:55 +0000

It’s that time of the month! I cried all day today.

I need to figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m smart enough for that. I can look at myself from an outside view just as good as any therapist. Right? I need to think about what I want and need and what I’m willing to bend on and what things I’m not willing to bend on. Okay. I know all those things. So what’s next?

I’m afraid of the what ifs. What if this, what if that? The site says to ask myself why. Is is because of things that have happened to me? Yes. Is it because of things that are grounded in fact? Maybe. How do you treat a new thing with new ideas using the same old brain? How can I get over it? How can I treat a new situation in a healthy way using my old experiences? Type up a blog entry? Yes.

Boundaries. I have them. I need them. They are being stretched and tested. What are the most important ones that cannot be crossed? There are some that can’t be crossed often, but can be crossed once in a while. There are also some that can never be crossed. Must make those three categories clear. Got it.

How can I learn to control my reactions? Sometimes I guess I can’t. Even though I want to. It would be better for me if I could, but I am a collection of my past, present and future. Therefore, my reactions just happen.

What about work? My job is both good and bad at the same time. I work from home, make my own hours, can go and come as I need. I can run errands during the day, the work is fairly easy. However, it’s boring. It requires a lot of discipline, which I haven’t had lately. The work itself is uninteresting. I’m stuck between comfort and a paycheck. What would make me happy? The problem is I’m not sure.

tucsonwebgirl — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 20:40:53 +0000

Today is going by slowly. Need to find a hobby outside of work.

tucsonwebgirl — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:12:34 +0000

Oh man, Zoe has such a huge belly, right now. I just realized she ate all of the food I just left for her AND Lexi.

I’m glad this day is over

tucsonwebgirl — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 05:32:09 +0000

I’m in such a sour mood. I have a headache, which is even more frustrating because it’s causing my day to be worse and also is caused by my day.

It started out okay, just like any Monday. Then I went to work and there is just so much work and people pulling me in many directions at once. It’s hard to be causitive in an environment like that. So I vented to my boss’s coworker and it kind of made it a little worse; a little more real. So what did i do? I vented to a friend over the phone. Now it’s getting even worse. I even fought with my honey who accused me of being crabby; that is the worst when you feel crabby.

So I’m going to stop. How can I be more cause and less effect? I don’t have the tools or answer so I’ll do my best. I can write about the things I was cause over and focus on that.

I did decide to choose what I ate for dinner and how much I ate of it. Which was hardly any. I think that’s one way that I am cause. I limit my eating to conquer food. Or I only eat tasty foods. That’s not healthy. Shoot. I’m in a rut and I can’t get out. I’m in a rut and I can’t get out. Maybe that is the problem. A denyer?

From the knowledge I have gained, I would say that I need to come up to present time. Not so easy when you are in a rut. Tomorrow will be better. For now I am going to read and then sleep. When I wake up, it is a new day full of positive possibilities.

I don’t consider myself a Scientologist

tucsonwebgirl — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 23:57:48 +0000

And I don’t think that I can or will. The definition of Scientology is the study of knowing or life. If a scientologist is someone who studies life, that general definition would have described what I’ve been doing long before I’d even heard of Scientology. But in reality, a scientologist is a person who has adopted Scientology as their religion. I have not.
Having said that, I do not discount Scientology as a practice. I think it has great potential for use in my life. I look forward to the positive changes it brings. No matter the veracity of my practice with the knowledge, there is something definitively wrong about its label as a religion. If it truly is a science, then it will always be to me only a tool used to benefit my life. The ideas proposed in Scientology that cannot be proven to me is where I draw the line between fact and belief. I plan to believe what I believe now. The only thing that can alter that is new facts. If I have an agreement with a Scientology axiom that is unproven, it is because I have always believed it.
So far I have found that the axioms ring true to what I already believe and what I can agree with as fact. I find this last statement very interesting because either Scientology is, in fact, true, or it has become an underlying part of our culture without our realization. Either way, to study it is a benefit.

Chewing Gum Test

tucsonwebgirl — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 07:04:29 +0000

I can remember in high school learning that if you chew gum to study for a test, then you should chew gum when you take the test. Does this work? I believe it does.
Why does it work? I never knew. Scientology is beginning to explain it for me.
I’m reading the first few chapters of Handbook For Preclears and the text is reviewing facsimiles, or memory pictures. It mentions that a good student only does good because they can go back to the memory of learning. This is true for me. When I took a test, I would often find myself going back to reading or seeing the thing I needed to remember. I could picture the page and sometimes I could read what was on it. Sometimes I could not.
It’s amazing to me that there is an explanation for this. I just thought it WAS not WHY IT WAS. It makes sense.
What concerns me is fanatacism. I have historically been an easy fanatic before thinking fully about something. This happened in high school when I joined the local youth church group. My sister and I threw away all of our “evil” music and traded it for Christian Rock. I feel that it was something that I came to regret. I don’t regret it anymore, but take it as a learning experience. I try not to get that fanatical about things like that. Learning about Scientology makes me want to tell everyone, “look how cool this is!”
But then I think back to high school. The one good thing is that I don’t feel a compulsion to do anything, just a controllable desire. Thanks to the Freezone. I feel that Hubbard’s system isn’t changing my life the way Christianity did, but that it’s changing only me and how I think about things. I don’t mind the changes. I feel that they are all welcomed by me. There are things that I don’t agree with and I’m absorbing them, but not letting them affect me. A lot of the things are stored in my memory waiting for validation or invalidation before I take action on them or decide they are true for me.
One day I’m going to list all the questions I have about missing pieces or things I haven’t discovered yet.

The Beginner’s Guide to L. Ron Hubbard

tucsonwebgirl — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:44:02 +0000

I watched the most interesting movie last night. It was a documentary about a comedian from England who was trying out Scientology for 10 days. It answered a lot of my questions, and he had a lot of the same questions I did. I enjoyed it and it also was very funny. I recommend it and wished I had seen it sooner. I say this should be the first movie anyone watches if they want to know more.

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=1786568759674213741

Scientology The Beginning

tucsonwebgirl — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 18:02:35 +0000

I’ve been learning about Scientology. I already know what you are thinking, “Are you crazy?” Scientology has been rated in popularity polls as LOWER than Islam. Lower than terrorist’s religions! I think it has a bad rap, and for good reason. The church is corrupt.

My theory is just because the church is corrupt, doesn’t mean that the philosophy is corrupt. Granted, it was created by a man, (gasp!) but all religions are created by people. The difference about this religion is what I like about it. Scn doesn’t ask you to believe anything. It uses theories based on facts, and asks you to try them and see if they are true for you.

I suggest learning more about it to see if it rings true for you. I’ve done this with many religions and so far this is the one that I agree with the most. Many of the other religions I have studied are useful in bits and pieces, then get too wacky for me. Take Adam & Eve, I just can’t believe that theory, but give me aliens and I’m in!

You will find that a lot of the stuff you have heard of that seems new-agey, is actually based or included in Scientology. Heard of the Secret? Aha moments? I’m not saying that these people (Oprah and Rhonda) are Scientologists, but these phenomena are explained through Scientology.

I’m going to chronicle my experiences here and let you decide if I get more or less crazy as I go. If you are a hater, your comments are not welcome because they are already biased. I’m looking for unbiased opinions. (^_^)

tucsonwebgirl — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:32:32 +0000

If you aren’t dehydrated and burned, you didn’t have a good weekend…

tucsonwebgirl — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 05:05:19 +0000

Enjoying some delicious Asian noodles and a delectable glass of fine White Zin. Yumm!